‘What’ matters.

What is the bigger picture? Where do I fit in? Why should I? What’s the mark I am gonna leave behind in the earth besides my carbon footprint? When will I finally know? How will I know? Will I feel a sense of calling and confidence? Will it be like love all over again? Why does it have to be so frustrating? What makes me happiest? What is that intangible? What is not temporary?

Who is the one to guide? Whom will I guide? What matters most? Who is the one to hold me in those sleepless nights? What would thaw that cold void in my heart when warm hugs only make me sweat it out?  Why does jealousy eat me in the weirdest hours of the night? Why does it hurt to lose when I am this lost anyway? What do I have left to lose? Why does ambition drive anyone? Why does anxiety get better of me? Why is my pillow wet? Why do I wake in the middle of the night in a  spine-tingling cold sweat? What does the sun have against me? Why do I need to be blinded by his radiant happiness each morning? How is it fair for anyone to be that happy? What is happy anyway? What is sad? Do these emotions rule me? Why do they? Why are they in control? Who am I without them? Numb? A number?

Yet another existence sucked into the void.